literature

Alphario - Chapter 1 - Part 1

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Dennis couldn't believe his eyes.

It was a dream come true. He was finally in Japan. And the story behind this achievement was just too good to be true.

Joining the contest was a good thing after all, Dennis thought to himself, trying to contain the grin that had long wanted to escape onto his lips. The 20 year old boy had never intended to participate in the first place – it simply wasn't his thing – but after the submission deadline had been extended thrice, he was finally convinced that maybe it was his time to shine. And luck was on his side.

Dennis made his way through the airport hallway, still contemplating on his good fortune. He was amazed at how distinct occasions from the past had miraculously connected with one another, just like how the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle fit together to complete the picture. He vowed never to view his childhood days in a negative light ever again. At least for now, he reconsidered.

"Mom, dad…" He smiled as he took a pendant out from his pocket, revealing a picture of him with his parents taken from around six years back. "I finally made it."

Dennis continued on, following directions to the arrival hall, until the exit door was within sight.

"Let's see…" Dennis read out from the note he had written on his left hand. "Upon arrival, you will be escorted to your residence by one of our friendly personnel." He noticed a long line of taxis and hotel transportation vehicles parked outside the airport terminal. "Until then, you are requested to wait inside the arrival hall for the convenience of both parties." The second half of the note read.

Ten seconds passed with no activity on Dennis's end. He decided to sit and wait on a nearby bench.

Twenty seconds. Nothing changed, save the fact that the people in the room weren't the same ones that were there seconds ago.

27… 28… 29… Damn! This is wasting too much of my time. Dennis was losing his patience.

"Mr. Blake?" He suddenly heard a voice call. "Dennis Blake?"

Finally! That almost took forever. He stood up and turned to the person behind him. "Yeah, that's me." What the hell took you so long?! He felt like asking.

"Greetings, Mr. Blake! My name is Franck, a representative of Shutter Technologies assigned to make your stay in Japan a memorable one." The man formally introduced himself.

"Yeah right, you've already made my first day memorable." Dennis mumbled sarcastically.

Franck looked like a man in his early twenties, but the black suit he was wearing made him appear a lot older. He's taller than me. Dennis wasn't surprised. He knew he was only around 170 centimeters tall, a height which many people consider average for his age range.

"On behalf of everyone at our organization, I would like to extend my heartfelt congratulations for winning our photo contest." Franck continued.

"Uh… thanks." The lad shrugged his shoulders, still not so happy about the wait. "Just call me Dennis."

Franck eyeballed Dennis as if he had guessed his thoughts. "You prefer a casual-toned conversation, don't you?" Dennis wasn't sure what Franck was talking about, but he nodded anyway. "I'm not used to talking like this either." Franck admitted.

"Alright, let's do this again, shall we?" Franck cleared his throat. "Yo! The name's Franck. Nice to meetcha!" He extended a closed fist towards Dennis.

"Eh..?" Dennis gazed his eyes upon Franck, bewildered at the person's sudden personality change. "I'm the same guy, doncha worry." Franck reassured.

"Dude, you're something else!" Dennis blurted out. His anger dissipated into an amused grin, and with one hand behind his head, went on, "I'm Dennis! Yoroshiku!"

Their knuckles met and a new friendship was formed.

"What are you waiting for? Hop on in!" Franck called out.

And they were off - their destination a long, forty minute drive from the airport; their method of transportation a luxury sedan provided by Shutter Technologies.

The VIP treatment made Dennis feel like a celebrity. From time to time, he would just stare outside the car window and marvel at the advanced infrastructures and breathtaking landscapes he could only see in pictures during the past. So this is what I had been missing.

"Didn't bring your camera?" Franck couldn't resist asking after observing his passenger for a few minutes.

"It's inside the bag." Dennis tilted his head toward the back compartment. "It's a pain in the neck to get it now." He sighed, seemingly regretful for his decision to leave it backpacked.

"Cheer up, kiddo! Heard you got four weeks. Today's just day one, ya know."

Dennis was silent for a second.

"Damn, you're right!" He suddenly exclaimed, slapping himself in the forehead. "Why didn't think of that?" And he returned back to his cheerful self.

"Ya know, you remind me of myself." Franck winked. "Need a nudge before coming to my senses."

It turned out that Dennis and Franck had a lot more things in common that just that, to the point where Dennis wondered if Franck was the long lost brother he wished he had. Without realizing it, the two had already started joking around and laughing at their own antics like good old friends.

     Franck: Ya know, you look really young for someone your age.

     Dennis: Thanks! I hear that a lot. Besides, you don't look old at all either.

     Franck: I'm 24. The rest at Shutter are nearly twice as old as I am.

     Dennis: You mean… you're the youngest?

     Franck: Uh huh.

     Dennis: Awesome! You must be really skilled!

     Franck: Not just skill, ya know. I don't think anybody can refuse my good looks.

But not all of their conversations were as lighthearted as the previous one…

     Franck: No problem convincing your folks that you'll be away for a month?

     Dennis: Nope. Not at all!

     Franck: Mature enough to make your own decisions, eh?

     Dennis: Well… truth is, I'm living alone. My parents were always going on long business trips since I was a kid. One day I just heard that they died in some accident.

     Franck: Oh, sorry to hear that. Must have been hard for you.

     Dennis: It sure was tough at first, but later on I realized… my parents wouldn't want to see me waste my life away just mourning all the time. Gotta live life to the fullest!

     Franck: True. True.

Question after question and answer after answer (with a few icebreakers in between) – it went on like this for the rest of the ride. But the conversations had to end somewhere. In the middle of their discussion about the Shutter facility, Franck had to interrupt.

"I'd like to continue but ya know, here we are."

As the car maneuvered past the front gate, Dennis could not help but notice striking elements of what's in store for him – lush green bonsai gardens, golden staircase railings, mahogany double door, Victorian stained glass windows, and one… two... three. Dennis counted in his mind. His eyes rolled at Franck. "Sooo… which floor do I stay in?"

Franck chuckled. "You have the whole place to yourself."

"You're kidding!" Dennis shook his head in disbelief.

"See for yourself."

At Franck's words Dennis quickly alighted from the vehicle, itching to explore the mansion. Franck offered to help him with his stuff, but Dennis insisted he needed some exercise.

"Wanna tag along?" He looked in Franck's direction.

"Maybe some other time. Still gotta report back to the big boss."

"Uhhh… this isn't the last time we're gonna see each other right?"

"Of course! You ain't seen the last of me, kiddo." Franck snickered.

"Well then, see ya! Thanks for the ride. I had a blast!" Dennis waved goodbye at Franck before storming into the mansion.

Franck took out his communicator.

"Yup, we've got the right guy." He spoke into the device as he drove away.
Alphario - Chapter 1 (Part 1)

Full version: [link]
Part 2: [link]
Part 3: [link]

Presenting to you Alphario, a story I'm working on.

Finally, after countless sleepless nights, it's done! *dies* Now on to Part 2. :nirvana:

Yeah, this is just the first part of the first chapter. The next part can be found here: [link]

Critique your heart out, be it grammar, plot, or anything!


Alphario, Dennis Blake, and Franck Ringe © :iconsplgum:
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CountChristoph's avatar
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star-half::star-empty::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Impact

I enjoyed reading this well enough, at least until the writing shifted from a standard paragraph format to a script, which is not very good form for prose fiction. I do, however, like the details that hint at Dennis's character -- he is quite impatient and prone to charging into things, I can tell, and he probably wishes he were a bit taller.

Although the meaning is generally clear, the dialogue feels a bit forced at times.

After Franck first appears, the phrasing "the man formally introduced himself" is a bit out of place and would be better as something more like "the man said" since it is already clear from the context of the statement that it is an introduction.

The part just after -- "Franck eyeballed Dennis as if he had guessed his thoughts. 'You prefer a casual-toned conversation, don't you?' Dennis wasn't sure what Franck was talking about, but he nodded anyway." -- might be better left out entirely.

A few lines down, "the person's" should simply be "his".

The phrasing of "And they were off - their destination a long, forty minute drive from the airport; their method of transportation a luxury sedan provided by Shutter Technologies." could do with a bit of revising, largely owing to its almost-but-not-quite parallel construction. Something along the lines of "And they were off -- their destination, somewhere a long, forty-minute drive from the airport; their mode of transport, a sedan provided by Shutter Technologies."

You have a misuse of the word "infrastructure", which generally refers to an organisational structure (though it can refer to the physical parts of it); it looks as though the intended word is "structure".

The word "suddenly" is not needed to describe "exclaimed", because exclamations are often sudden.

Where the dialogue shifts to a script format, I would advise rewriting it into paragraphs, which are easier to read. Writing dialogue in script form in prose fiction is, again, not usually done.

A few notes on the formatting of dialogue:

As a general rule, dialogue is generally formatted like this:
"Eh! I know that," she said.

What is said is followed by a comma, which is followed by the close quotes, and then the dialogue tag. As the book from which that came was written nearly a century ago, a more elabourated fragment from it looks like this (which is also an acceptable format):

"That's because tha'rt not used to it," Martha said, going back to her hearth. "Tha' thinks it's too big an' bare now. But tha' will like it."

If that were written today, however, the period after "hearth" would probably be a comma. Otherwise, the format is generally the same. Sometimes all of what is said will be placed before the tag, in which instance it is implied there is no pause. If the tag is in the middle, a pause in speech is implied.

I like how the chapter ended -- Dennis rushes off and Franck says something mysterious that is, thankfully, not ominous. It looks as though this story shall be an enjoyable one.